THE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT LOVE

When did you know you didn’t love me"? She said: “I don’t know if I've ever loved you”.

~ Billy Crystal as Harry in "When Harry met Sally"

He does all the things that you would never do. He loves me to, his love is true. Why can't he be you?

~ Patsy Cline

"My wife said to me as she kissed me good-bye: "Have a nice day". That's what the bank teller says to you. That's what you say to a customer. Shouldn't your wife tell you she loves you"?

~ Jeff Goldblum in "Into the Night"

"Now I'm praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you" !

~ Meatloaf from Bat out of Hell

If the seeds of destruction are planted in the Motive of your marriage, it's only a matter of time before you are in a relationship void of Eros (lust) Philia (sibling love) and maybe even Agape (a Divine Love). Often this relationship is the result of unintended consequences. Such as:

· We got married too soon
· She got pregnant and neither of us believe in abortion.
· I was not over so and so. (or I'm still not over so and so I thought they would change)
· Kids will settle him down.
· Maybe the financial situation will change.
· I was in love with the feeling of being in love.
· I'm better off as a single person.
· I didn't sew all of my "wild oats".
· They don't make me happy any more.
· They stopped filling my needs.
· I wanted to show the world and my ex, that I am desirable.
· I enjoy having someone to come home to.
· It was pre-arranged by our parents.
· I could do worse and I'm not getting any younger
· I wanted someone to bury me.



Had enough ???


For the myriad of reasons to break up a marriage; I can only think of a few not to.

I believe divorce is a sin and knowingly doing so would anger God.
The other person needs me and I took a vow. (My word is important to me)


It all boils down to: "How serious do you take marriage"?


NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT. That's a good principle to keep in mind.

· People change.
· Couples change.
· The environment changes
· Religious beliefs change
· Physical conditions change.
· Mental stability changes.
· Some people cheat.
· Some people are never satisfied with one sex partner.
· People don't like being controlled.
· People can't read minds.

THE RELATIONSHIP - Part 2 The dynamics

Part 2: The Anatomy & Dynamics of a Relationship

We call it a relationship. But as the Author Stephen Covey writes: "In the end; everything in life is about relationships". He's talking about how every thing, person, institution, attitude etc... is all a relationship. When we talk about Love, we are talking about a special relationship. But what exactly IS this relationship.

Noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.

Examples

In a boxing ring there is a relationship from one corner to the other. At the sound of the bell they both come out intent on punching the other's brains onto the canvas. This relationship is built on contracts, training, ticket sales and of course pride.

In some houses the above relationship exists. This relationship is built on a contract (sometimes) disappointment, accusations of unfairness and yes Pride.

In college a couple meets and wants to be together every minute of the waking day. Their relationship is built on the hottest sex of their lives. It's al physical so it doesn't matter if the other person is trustworthy, respectful, faithful, or cherishes the partner, there is no pride in this. It's just Meat and greet. Trust is there in the form of a clean STD blood test.

Another couple in college meets. They talk about values, religous or Spiritual beliefs. They discuss their majors. They ponder the future. They're searching for evidence of any RED FLAGS. They talk about monogomy. They talk about procreation (as opposed to sex) They talk about this world and if it's still a good Idea to bring children into such a deteriorated culture. They feel in their ability to talk openly that they can "trust" each other. Each is interested in the other's Ideas and shows respect for their thoughts. They both begin to feel that if the relationship grows, they can count on the other. (an act of faith) and lastly, they begin to cherish each other. A small beam of light almost like a life force shines like columnar laser light between the two. They don't know it but it's the white light of love.

THE ANATOMY

Let's look at the BIG picture. A relationship is the act of two entities relating to each other.




We can look at the linear relationship between point A and point B. We'll call this a consecutive/close relationship. Examine the linear relationship between point A and point Z. One might think the relationship between point A and point Z is a distant relationship. What if every other letter of the alphabet is outside of a circle (A,C,E to V, X, Z are in the circle and B,D,F to U, W,Y are outside of the circle) The dynamics change and A and Z are within the circle and A and B are Separated by the circle.

IN A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP - These factors are endless. The circle could be education, finances, ethnicity, personal experiences, personality, Spirituality etc...

DAMN IT ACE SPEAK ENGLISH

Ok. We've heard the saying: "Birds of a Feather Flock together". (Point A and Point B) Well, what about the saying: "Opposites Attract"? (point A and point Z) Both of these "RELATIONSHIPS" work. If point A and point B both enjoy the same things, they can build a perfectly "routine" yet safe life together. But what happens when point A has a cappucino with point Z? Point Z likes new things. Point Z takes point A to a political rally. (Something point B fears) All of a sudden point A shifts to point K. The truth is: "We shift our linear dynamics every day. Though we may be comfortable at point A; over time we notice the fine line between "comfort" and "boredom". Does this mean point A divorces point B and moves in with point Z. No Way ! If there is sufficient Love in the relationship, point B will be OK with point A's new friend and hobby. This is what makes LOVE so special. Love is the glue that holds a couple together when the dynamics of the relationship are stretched and or "Stressed".

The Key to the solution is Substance within the relationship. That substance is Love. With Love the relationship has Freedom and Trust. Without love the relationship suffers jealousy and emptiness. Your relationship should have a solid table with Love as the Table top and four solid pillars as the legs supporting it. A pillar of TRUST, one of RESPECT, FAITH, and the fourth of CHERISH. Your table of LOVE must have these elements. Just "Being there for the other" won't get it.

How many pillars does your table have? What kind of Table top is it? Balsa wood or Oak?

TIME OUT - More tomorrow

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH & WITHOUT LOVE

Part 1 : The Seeds of Destruction

"Why is it we never really know the moment that we're in love; but we always know the moment it's over" ~ Steve Martin L.A. Story 1991.

Steve wrote another profound line in that jewel of a movie that said: "Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time". In many cases we pretend to be happy and openly accept denial. Pretending can be a good place when you don't know Love from Lust, Greed from Need or just waiting to see what happens next.

The seeds of the destruction of a relationship are almost always planted in the motive for a relationship" - Ace Andres 2011

I was instructed in college that everything we know about relationships is a child's paradigm. If you were lucky enough to observe 2 parents treating each other with respect; your subconscious mind made notes that it would later try and apply to your self-esteem, your social awareness and eventually your love life. Our first experience of love is when our mother holds us in a birthing blanket just after an obstetrician spanked the muconium off of our cheeks. That mother's love becomes the bench mark or gold standard in which we will judge all others who attempt to win our hearts. (Up to a certain age)

The Bible instructs us to be fruitful and multiply.

At puberty, a funny thing happens. I say funny because puberty happened to me in front of God and His entire green earth. I was wrestling with an older girl that I was friends with. She was 14 and I was 11 or 12. She was a "Tom" girl but she was starting to wear a bra and real short cut-off jeans with slits up the sides. But I never saw her as anything but a "Buddy or Pal". Until one day when we were wrestling on the ground and I got my first public erection. My goodness we both stopped and looked at each other? She smiled because she knew what was happening, but she also didn't let me go because she was "older and smarter". I was embarassed to say the least. For some reason, we never wrestled again after that. Oh the innocense. But Love ? Nope

Now an awful turn of events happened that would cast/spew it's influence on my relationships forever. My Mother (My first true love) died when I was 11. That hand of compassion was gone. The person who kissed it and made it feel better was gone. So for 6 more years it was just my father and I trying to do our best in a small 2 bedroom apartment. After losing my "Bench mark" of love in middle school, it was a sea of confusion in high school. I wanted to find that hand of compassion, but 15 year old girls are no substitute for your mom and your widowed father is no substitute for the gentle hand of a mother.

It's easy to see how the motive for love in this relationship contained the seeds of destruction. Not only was I trying to replace somebody that loved me unconditionally, but I was trying to find it with someone that had no idea what mutual love between two people of the opposite sex was.
Even when I was older (in my 20's) It seemed like I was dating for the formal purpose of finding someone to fill the loss of the Gold standard. Unfair expectations to hold anyone to.

Sadly enough, young girls who have their self-esteem shattered by an abusive father (sexual or not) commonly plant the opposite seeds of destruction in their first boy/girl relationship as she will not be happy with anyone that doesn't slap her around. I've dated women that couldn't respect me if I didn't mistreat them. (And I never would ) But going back to my opening line, our first paradigm of love is through the eyes of a child. We see our parents kiss, hug, hold each other, or slap, yell, beat, leave etc...... It's all part of the garbage in and garbage out process we call relationships. As children; subconsciously we suck it up. We not only suck up what we see our parent do and say, but we are influenced by television, our culture, our friends, the Internet and of course Disney.

Look for part 2 tomorrow.

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Ace

The Lay over ~ Tony finally sells out !

If you're a follower of author and Chef Anthony Bourdain; by now you've come to admire his overt feelings towards travel and tourism. You've undoubtedly heard Mr.Bourdain talk about milking this ride as long as he can. Well, the latter part is now and his new show "The Lay Over" is proof. Tony use to make fun of Rachel Ray for doing shows like this.

Tony and I are almost exactly the same age. I've had to cut back (almost retire) from my music career "due to age". If Tony is feeling like I am, then he just doesn't want to get into the shark infested waters anymore, or Bunji jump off tall buildings. I blame him not. But If you've followed his sincere interviews over the years (Tony vs. Ted Nugent/Tony vs. David Johansen) you gained a modicum of respect for the middle age post food/Punk star. I know, I was featured on one of his commercials in 2010. I had a scary feeling I was doing a commercial that would become his Swan Song.

Tony, We don't want to know what the airport gift shop looks like in Singapore. We want to see you eating slow roasted pig in the jungles of the Phillipines. We want to see you firing an AR-15 with Uncle Ted in Texas or eating "The Big Unit" at Alice Cooper's town.

We long for the Steve McQueen shots of a Mustang GT flying over Powell and California street in the city by the bay (doing your best remake of Bullet).

But Tony, it seems the Travel Channel has clipped your manhood in an effort to create a new version of Rachel/Samantha Brown. -- May it never be.

Ace